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Video tags
Subtitles
Russian
00:00:03
MOSFILM00:00:09
Artistic Association of Comedy
and Musical Films00:00:13
presents00:00:17
KIN-DZA-DZA!00:00:38
Written by00:00:40
Revaz GABRIADZE
Georgy DANELIYA00:00:44
Directed by
Georgy DANELIYA00:00:49
Director of Photography
Pavel LEBESHEV00:00:54
Production Designers00:00:56
Alexander SAMULEKIN
Theodor TEZIK00:00:59
Music by
Gia KANCHELI00:01:04
English subtitles by
T. Kameneva00:02:09
- Hi.
- Hi.00:02:13
What's new?00:02:15
Manyukhin got
pipes burst on his site.00:02:26
That's what she's like, an Odessa girl,
A delicate, lively Odessa girl,00:02:31
She dances and sings,00:02:33
The kisses she brings
To those who with merriment rings!00:02:35
Daddy, daddy, what are we to do
When the freezing cold comes?00:02:40
You have no warm kerchief,
You have no winter coat!00:02:52
How is our exemplary student?00:02:54
Our exemplary student went for a walk.00:02:56
Vovka, go buy bread. I forgot to.00:03:03
Yes, and buy some macaroni.00:03:20
Comrade, there's a man there
who says he's an alien.00:03:23
- We have to do something.
- Call the ambulance.00:03:26
I will, but he's all but barefoot,
he may catch a cold.00:03:34
- Hello.
- Hello.00:03:36
Sorry, I smell bad. It's cold.
I took this from an iron box.00:03:41
Good for you.00:03:42
Friend, tell me the number
of your planet in the Tentura,00:03:46
or at least the number of your
galaxy in the Spiral.00:03:49
Because I mixed up contacts
and can't return home now.00:03:53
We don't know the number.
We forgot it, dear.00:03:57
The boy will go and
call the information,00:04:00
and we'll wait for him
in a bread shop. All right?00:04:03
Meanwhile, put this on.00:04:05
Oh, thank you.
Listen, friends.00:04:09
Forget the bread shop,
forget the information.00:04:13
This is my planet.00:04:15
UZM 247 in the Tentura.00:04:18
Beta Galaxy in the Spiral.00:04:21
This is the machine
for moving over in space.00:04:25
Which contact shall I push
to move back home?00:04:29
Because time is relative.
You must know that?00:04:32
We have a suggestion:
we push the contacts00:04:36
and move to your place.00:04:38
But if the machine doesn't work,00:04:40
then you will move
where we move you.00:04:44
Is it a deal?00:04:46
No, we can't.00:04:48
- One should know.
- We can.00:05:09
- What do you see?
- Sand.00:05:12
So that bullshit worked.00:05:19
And that goat with holes,
did he stay back there?00:05:25
Stay cool.00:05:30
There's the sun. There's the sand.
There's gravitation.00:05:34
Where are we? We are on Earth.00:05:37
- Or...
- Or?00:05:38
Let's suppose we're on Earth,
in a desert.00:05:44
The Kara Kum?
What other deserts do we have?00:05:48
- Gobi, Sahara.
- I said, we have.00:05:51
We have Kyzyl Kum, too.00:05:54
No, let's suppose
it's Kara Kum.00:06:01
All right.
The sun is in the west.00:06:04
So Ashkhabad must be there.
Got it? Let's go.00:06:16
Come on! Come on!00:06:39
With
Olga MASHNAYA00:06:41
Irina SHMELYOVA
Lev PERFILOV, Anatoly SERENKO00:06:44
Comrade, what's your name?00:06:48
Vladimir Nikolayevich.00:06:51
And I'm Gedevan.00:06:52
Nice meeting you.00:07:11
Starring00:07:15
Stanislav LYUBSHIN
as Mashkov00:07:20
Yevgeny LEONOV as Uef00:07:25
Yuri YAKOVLEV as Bi00:07:31
Levan GABRIADZE
as Gedevan00:07:34
Do you remember
what number did he say,00:07:37
the one who got my sock?00:07:39
No, I don't.00:07:41
Maybe we're on the planet
from which he moved to ours?00:07:45
Look, violinist,00:07:47
whatever we may guess,
we won't know a damn thing.00:07:50
We've chosen the direction, and we're
walking.00:07:54
First thing we must get to the water.
You get it?00:08:01
Vladimir Nikolayevich,
I'd like to put my slippers on.00:08:05
Put them on!00:08:06
You have to stop then!00:08:16
What time is it?00:08:18
- Four o'clock.
- At night?00:08:21
At night.00:08:28
Are you being late?00:08:31
It's so embarrassing.00:08:33
I called from the airport and said I'd
come in an hour, and now...00:08:38
You study at the conservatory?00:08:40
No, it's not mine.
It's Professor Rogozin's.00:08:45
He was giving us a sponsor concert,00:08:47
and then they forgot to put
his violin in the plane.00:08:51
- It was a banquet?
- No, a dinner.00:08:55
- You from Tbilisi?
- From Batumi.00:08:59
I thought I'd give him the violin
and catch the last electric train.00:09:03
I study in Ivanovo, at a textile school.00:09:07
I took entrance exams for the Institute
of International Relations,00:09:11
but they said that I'm...00:09:13
Quiet.00:10:10
Koo!00:10:13
A human.00:10:16
Koo!00:10:18
- Koo.
- Hello.00:10:34
Koo!00:10:37
Capitalist country.00:10:43
Koo! Koo! Koo!00:10:59
You know foreign languages?00:11:01
English.
A little bit of French.00:11:04
Tell them we don't have any money.00:11:09
Tell them. They want us to pay.00:11:12
Gentlemen, sorry!
We haven't money. Now!00:11:27
Koo.00:11:36
Hello.00:11:38
We're our tourists.
We've lost our group.00:11:41
Give us a lift to town, then we'll
manage somehow. Translate.00:11:46
Do you speak English?00:11:48
Koo?00:11:51
- Parlez vous Francais?
- Koo?00:11:54
Hi.00:11:57
Do you speak English?
Parlez vous Francais?00:12:03
Sprechen Sie Deutsch?00:12:06
Koo?00:12:14
Chatl.00:12:18
No money.00:12:20
Money, documents, currency, -
our guide has got all.00:12:24
Well, this is the situation.00:12:26
We stepped aside for a second
and got lost in the sands.00:12:29
Ku.00:12:43
Here. It's warm.00:12:47
Koo?00:12:49
- I beg your pardon?
- Koo.00:12:53
You want the hat?00:12:55
You're welcome.00:13:05
This is not mine, I can't give it.00:13:13
There's nothing inside.00:13:15
Open it.00:13:23
It's not wine, it's vinegar.00:13:26
Koo!00:13:34
- Ku!
- Sour, isn't it?00:13:47
Is it a deal, friend?
Will you give us a lift?00:13:51
Violinist, hurry up.00:13:58
Only to the nearest town,
then we'll manage ourselves.00:14:02
Koo!00:14:05
The sweater?00:14:16
Bastards!00:14:26
Good I didn't give them the violin.00:14:48
They got ashamed.00:15:07
Ketse!00:15:08
Ketse!00:15:11
Ketse!00:15:12
- Ketse what?
- Ketse.00:15:15
Ketse.00:15:18
I think he wants a match.00:15:20
- Want a match?
- Ketse!00:15:27
Here.00:15:40
Koo?00:15:45
- The whole box?
- Koo!00:15:49
First take us out of here,
then we'll give you koo.00:17:09
Not a single letter,
not a single ''made in''.00:17:17
Koo!00:17:23
- Sorry, I don't understand.
- Koo!00:17:29
Sprechen Sie Turkish?00:17:30
Ku!00:17:34
Koo.00:17:40
What do they want?00:17:44
They want koo.00:18:01
Tsak.00:18:03
Thank you.00:18:09
Tsak.00:18:11
He wants me
to put on the bell.00:18:16
He'll do without.00:18:18
Tsak.00:18:21
Tsak.00:18:23
It's not nice. I'll put it on.00:18:28
Go ahead.00:18:41
Tsak!00:18:45
Tsak!00:18:47
Tsak!00:18:50
Tsak!00:18:57
All right, you've talked me in.00:19:11
Jingle! Jingle!00:19:17
Koo!00:20:04
Koo!00:20:11
- Koo.
- Koo.00:20:15
Koo.00:20:18
Koo.00:20:20
Koo.00:20:22
Koo!00:20:25
Koo.00:20:27
Koo.00:20:35
I want a smoke, let me pass.00:20:39
- Ketse! Ketse!
- Easy, easy!00:20:49
Ketse!00:21:33
Vladimir Nikolayevich, perhaps
after all, we're on...00:21:38
Yeah, they're typical Martians.00:21:50
Ku!00:22:04
Oh, dear Lyusia, damn you,
what did you need those macaroni for?00:22:18
Well...00:22:20
So we know Russian?00:22:23
Why were you hiding that?00:22:26
We're not hiding anything.00:22:29
It's hard to dig in a language when
you think in two languages at once.00:22:33
And this patsak speaks languages
he doesn't know how to continue.00:22:38
What are you staring at,
maimuno verishvilo?00:22:42
- They know Georgian too.
- What did he say?00:22:45
- Monkey, son of a donkey.
- All right...00:22:49
We're from the Soviet Union,
here on a cultural exchange program.00:22:52
Our people know where we are, they're
looking for us.00:22:54
If you don't give us the opportunity
to get in touch with our embassy,00:22:57
you'll be in big trouble.00:23:00
- You got it?
- Tsak.00:23:04
Koo.00:23:06
We don't understand ''embassy''.
Put on the tsak, quick.00:23:10
So you understand macaroni,
you understand maimuno,00:23:15
and what the embassy is,
you don't know, poor things.00:23:18
Don't you bullshit us, all right?00:23:22
You were thinking about macaroni,
and I just said it.00:23:26
It's not Earth, and not Africa, my dear.00:23:30
This is the Planet Plyuk.00:23:33
215 in the Tentura.00:23:35
Galaxy ''Kin-Dza-Dza''
in the Spiral, all right?00:23:42
There we go. Just great!00:23:48
Put on the bell, my dear.00:23:51
Put it on.00:23:57
There you go... Good boy.00:24:04
Koo!00:24:29
Excuse me, where have we landed?00:24:32
He got very keen ears.
You know the tentura of your planet?00:24:36
The tentura?00:24:38
Well, tell me the number
of your galaxy in the spiral.00:24:41
- In the spiral?
- Yes.00:24:44
You know where Earth is?
It's where planets spin, such as...00:24:48
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter.00:24:52
What other planets?00:24:54
The Great Bear.00:24:55
Vladimir Nikolayevich, come here.00:25:03
Do you have more matches
on your planet?00:25:06
We'll find some.00:25:08
How many will you give us
if we lay you there?00:25:13
- How many do you need?
- Two full boxes like this.00:25:16
- Seven.
- Seven.00:25:20
And give me what you've got now.
I'll buy a gravitsappa for them.00:25:25
Excuse me, what is gravitsappa?00:25:27
Gravitsappa is without what a pepelats
can fly only like this,00:25:32
and with a gravitsappa it can fly to
anywhere in the universe in 5 seconds.00:25:37
Guys, how do you roll the pepelats out
of the garage without a gravitsappa?00:25:43
We had a gravitsappa, but after we flew
in here, it was stolen.00:25:47
Don't you have the machine
for moving over in space?00:25:49
- No.
- No.00:25:51
Give me the matches.00:25:53
Give me the water.00:26:02
- Ku!
- Ku!00:26:04
- Ku!
- Ku!00:26:15
Like this! You should do like this!
You should do it like this! Like this!00:26:23
It's yours. Smoke like this now.00:26:26
- Thanks.
- Koo!00:26:30
Koo!00:26:32
He says he has a gravitsappa.00:26:35
Put the matches here.00:26:38
When you lay us on Earth,
you'll get this and this.00:26:42
What?00:26:44
Let's go, violinist,
into outer space.00:26:47
Wait!00:26:50
Give it back.00:26:53
- Give it back!
- You'll get it on our Mother Earth.00:26:57
Vladimir Nikolayevich, you said if we
got you there you'd give us everything.00:27:02
And you stole our match.00:27:04
A patsak never cheats on a patsak.
It's not nice, my dear.00:27:07
I said, to town.00:27:09
- And what is this?
- A barn.00:27:12
And what is this?00:27:15
And what is this?00:27:17
And what is this? Isn't it a town?00:27:20
Stop jerking.00:27:23
Show us your gravitsappa.
If it's a quality product, we'll take it.00:27:28
Patsak!00:27:30
What idiots would take contraband
goods in front of witnesses,00:27:35
when you can get for it
a life etsikh with nails?00:27:38
What have you got in your head: brains
or ku?!00:27:43
We'll buy it ourselves. Let's go.00:27:47
Halt!00:27:49
Halt, I said!00:27:56
Who are you?00:27:59
Who are you, I'm asking?00:28:04
- An alien foreman.
- No! You're a patsak!00:28:07
- And who are you?
- I'm a Georgian.00:28:09
No, you're a patsak, too!00:28:12
You're a patsak, you're a patsak,
and he's a patsak.00:28:15
And I'm a chatlian, and they're
chatlians.00:28:18
So put the tsak on
and sit in the pepelats, all right?00:28:22
What?00:28:24
Look at me with the visor, dear.
Which dot is responding?00:28:29
The green one.00:28:31
Now look at him.00:28:33
Green, too.00:28:35
Yours is green, too.00:28:38
Now look at Uef.
What dot is it? Orange.00:28:42
Because he's a chatlian.00:28:45
Understand now?00:28:47
- What?
- Plyuk is the chatlian planet.00:28:50
That's why we, patsaks,
must wear tsaks.00:28:53
And before us, chatlians,
one must do like this!00:28:59
Vladimir Nikolayevich,
this is a flagrant racism.00:29:02
Show me once again.00:29:04
Like this!00:29:06
- Do me a favor, slower.
- Like this!00:29:11
Vladimir Nikolayevich, you got a wife
at home, a D-pupil son.00:29:17
You haven't paid up
for your cooperative apartment.00:29:19
And you're bullshitting us here.00:29:23
You may end up bad, my dear.00:29:29
Here!00:29:31
All right, violinist,
let's play their games.00:29:34
Good boy. Now give the match to Uef,
and he'll buy the gravitsappa.00:29:39
- He said he wanted all of them.
- I was kidding.00:29:43
You're jolly fellows.00:29:47
- Koo!
- Wait.00:29:49
Koo! We'll go together.00:29:56
Don't show them your ketses
and don't think about them.00:29:59
Show my ketse and don't
give them more than a half match.00:30:02
The gravitsappa costs a half match.00:30:05
And your patsak said it cost a whole
match.00:30:10
He was kidding too.00:30:28
The cement is of the 300 grade.00:30:33
Remember, patsak,
a half or even less.00:30:37
All right.00:30:38
Excuse me, chatlians and patsaks,
is it a nationality?00:30:41
No.00:30:43
- A biological factor?
- No.00:30:46
- Persons from other planets?
- No.00:30:48
And what's the difference
between them?00:30:51
Are you a color-blind person? Can't
you tell green color from orange?00:30:55
Some tourist!00:31:07
A skyscraper.00:31:09
Come on!00:31:17
Koo?00:31:24
Koo! Do as I told you.00:31:27
Hi, Miss.
Aren't you cold in your coat?00:31:42
They won't let me in.
They only let you go.00:31:46
Don't give them the ketse. Bring
the gravitsappa here, I'll look at it.00:31:51
Go.00:31:57
Not you.00:31:58
- We're together.
- No.00:32:00
Vladimir Nikolayevich, tell him!00:32:03
All right.00:32:06
Wait here.00:32:14
But don't go anywhere.00:32:35
Hi!00:32:40
How you doing?00:32:46
You want me to sit down?00:32:48
Well, as a courtesy
to the ladies present.00:32:54
Well, what's new on Plyuk?00:32:58
Put down the ketse, you'll get
the gravitsappa.00:33:13
A half.00:33:17
A half.00:33:20
- May I have a look?
- Look.00:33:35
Well, I'm not an expert
on those gravitsappas.00:33:39
Let's go and show it to
my chatlian, he'll check it.00:33:43
We'll put the tsapa in.00:34:04
A sore throat?00:34:10
Water.00:34:12
I have a suggestion:
I give you the rest of the ketse,00:34:18
you give me two bottles of water.00:34:21
All right.00:34:34
Got any food?00:34:36
Porridge.00:34:38
What kind?00:34:41
Plastic.00:34:49
All right, I give you
this whole ketse,00:34:54
you give me five bottles of water00:34:58
and a kilo of porridge.00:35:04
- What's this?
- Ketse.00:35:08
- Have to check it again.
- Check it.00:35:13
Koo!00:35:29
Hey, just a second!00:35:33
Wait.00:36:02
Violinist, can you
get matches on Earth?00:36:08
Yes, I can.00:36:13
If you spit farther,
I'll give you a half chatl.00:36:17
Here.00:36:20
With this plyuk. If I spit
farther, you'll give me two matches.00:36:34
- Understand?
- No.00:36:35
A very simple game.00:36:37
I give you a half chatl, you give me
three matches on Earth. Here!00:36:42
- Spit, son.
- I don't want to.00:36:45
All right, you give me one match,00:36:48
and I give you 3 chatls, yellow
pants and this big head start.00:36:53
- Come on.
- No.00:36:55
- Blue pants.
- No, I will do it on no conditions.00:36:59
Is it your rear word?00:37:02
Why are you
snowjobbing me, then?00:37:06
Maimuna verishvila!00:37:11
Mister Uef, I'm a representative
of a civilized planet.00:37:13
And I demand that
you watch your vocabulary!00:37:45
Where are they?00:37:47
- Who?
- The one with a scar.00:37:50
I, the idiot, gave him all the matches.00:38:53
Ku!00:38:55
Ku!00:38:57
Ku!00:39:03
Stop it, guys, enough.00:39:06
Enough! What's enough?00:39:08
I've told him a thousand times
we have to fly to the center.00:39:12
But he's as greedy as all chatlians!00:39:15
Two chatls cheaper! Ku!00:39:18
We got one more.00:39:25
As far as I understand,
it's enough for a gravitsappa.00:39:28
Give it here.00:39:30
- Why?
- To buy a gravitsappa.00:39:35
Where?00:39:37
Over there, at the center.00:39:40
How can you carry us
to Mother Earth00:39:43
if you even don't know
in which galaxy it spins?00:39:48
Any planetarium at the center, idiot,00:39:50
will give us the number of your planet
for two chatls.00:39:54
Give me the match, come on!00:39:56
And then you'll bury us in sand,
right?00:39:59
- So you're not giving it?
- No.00:40:01
Is that your rear word?00:40:04
It can't be any rearer.00:40:11
Then farewell, my dear.00:40:19
They'll fly away.00:40:22
They'll be back. They'll cut
each other's throats for a match.00:40:33
Either you're giving us
this match right now,00:40:37
or we won't lay you on Earth
for less than 7 matchboxes.00:40:47
Two thousand.00:40:49
Three.00:40:52
Twenty three hundred.00:40:53
Three.00:41:04
Twenty five hundred,
I can't give any more.00:41:07
You can, my dear.00:41:10
Mister Bi.00:41:14
I've got 50 rubles.00:41:18
The price of matches is 2 kopecks a box.00:41:21
Therefore, I can buy
twenty five hundred.00:41:24
The violinist is cheating,
he got more chatls.00:41:32
Mister Uef, I'm not a violinist to you.
My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich.00:41:47
Is the engine there?00:41:48
Don't poke your nose into every hole,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.00:41:56
Gedevan, let's tie these jerks up
and head north.00:42:03
Why?00:42:04
Who knows, perhaps the Mediterranean
is lapping over there.00:42:09
Are you off your rocker, my dear?
How can Plyuk have any seas?00:42:14
They'd been made into luts long ago.00:42:19
Excuse me, into what?00:42:22
Into fuel, violinist, into fuel.00:42:26
- Here. You owe us 6,140 matchboxes.
- Why so many?00:42:32
You gobbled the porridge, you drink
the water. Plus the contraption.00:42:37
Cross the contraption out, we're not
taking the contraption. Put it down.00:42:50
Let's take it. At least we'll
bring back some technology.00:42:53
Otherwise they won't believe us.00:42:55
Then give him the violin,
if you want it so much.00:43:01
The violin is Italian. 18th century.00:43:05
It costs 1 ,000 rubles, if not more.
How am I going to pay for it?00:43:09
Koo?00:43:10
Koo.00:43:12
Violinist, instead of
thinking all the time00:43:15
that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut00:43:17
and that you'll get
a Nobel Prize,00:43:20
give back the spoon
you stole from the destitute artists.00:43:27
I was thinking nothing of the sort.00:43:35
I wanted to give it to the Institute of
Non-ferrous Metals as something new.00:43:41
O heavens!00:43:43
The heavens have never seen such
an ignominious patsak as you, violinist.00:43:48
It grieves me deeply.00:43:56
- Where're you going?
- To the toilet.00:43:59
You can't go to the toilet with money.
Leave the money here,00:44:03
Gedevan Alexandrovich.00:44:42
- The ketse's very expensive, my dear.
- Why?00:44:46
How do you figure it out on your
Earth who before whom00:44:50
should sit down and how many times?00:44:52
Well, just by eye.00:44:55
Savages.00:44:58
Look, I sort of like you,
so I'll teach you.00:45:03
If I have a few ketses,00:45:05
I have the right
to wear yellow pants00:45:09
and a patsak must sit down before me
not one, but two times.00:45:15
If I have many ketses,00:45:18
I have the right
to wear crimson pants00:45:23
and then a patsak must sit down
before me two times,00:45:28
and a chatlian must do koo,00:45:31
and an etsilopp has no right
to beat me at night.00:45:36
Never!00:45:39
I have a suggestion, my dear.00:45:42
You give us the match now00:45:44
and we'll bring you yellow
pants later, all right?00:45:49
Thanks, I've got them already.
Perhaps the violinist needs them?00:45:52
Violinist, those aliens are pushing
black market pants here!00:45:56
Yellow! You want some?00:46:01
The violinist is not here, my dear.00:46:02
- What do you mean?
- I've ejected him.00:46:05
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolayevich,
we got another catapult, a new one.00:46:09
The old one was not good anyway.00:46:11
I beg your pardon?00:46:13
I pressed the kapa, and he flew away.00:46:17
We don't need the violinist, dear.
He just eats up fuel.00:46:32
Turn it back.00:46:34
We can't.00:46:36
We're out of luts,
we have to fly to a luts station.00:46:40
Turn it back!
Or I'll burn this ketse to hell!00:46:46
Gedevan!00:46:53
Violinist!00:46:59
Violinist!00:47:13
- Where can he be?
- I've told you.00:47:16
He was caught by the etsilopps.00:47:19
- Let's fly, dear.
- Death would be too good for you!00:47:26
Radio the etsilopps.00:47:29
We don't have a radio.
We threw it out.00:47:33
- I'll check it.
- An etsilopp!00:47:45
Put on the tsak.00:47:48
Put on the tsak!00:47:50
He'll do without.00:48:00
Koo!00:48:02
Koo.00:48:05
Put it on. He'll trankluate
both you and the match.00:48:16
Koo.00:48:33
Koo!00:49:03
Hello.
Look, friend, we've lost our boy.00:49:07
- Haven't you seen him?
- Koo.00:49:10
What?00:49:25
Koo! Sorry, I forgot.
They say you picked him up.00:49:30
Koo.00:50:10
Didn't I tell we don't need
the violinist? Didn't I?!00:50:13
What are we going to buy luts with now?00:50:21
With what?!00:50:22
What a bastard you are, dear.00:50:25
He's even worse, he's just a ku!00:51:03
I have a suggestion.00:51:05
We'll find the violinist and
fly to the local government.00:51:09
Bring some sand, dear.00:51:13
We'll tell them who we are and
from where.00:51:18
They'll give us a gravitsappa.00:51:21
And we...00:51:23
will make
a mutually profitable trade-in.00:51:28
You'll give us yellow pants, we'll
give you as many ketses as you want.00:51:34
To fly to the government,
you need to have a gravitsappa.00:51:37
The government lives
on another planet, dear.00:52:25
Uncle Vova, I'm here!00:52:30
Here!00:52:47
- Violinist!
- What?00:52:49
- Where's my... what's its name...
- Tsak?00:52:54
Well?00:52:56
- I got it.
- Then give it to me.00:52:59
- What do you need it here for?
- Give it to me, I said.00:53:06
There's no one here.00:53:09
- This is mine.
- Keep it ready.00:53:32
Are you sleeping?00:53:35
No.00:53:37
Cheer up.00:53:39
If there's a gravitsappa on this Plyuk,
we'll get it.00:53:44
We used to get even more valuable things.00:53:50
Stay cool.00:53:55
Hey, stop!00:53:57
Koo!00:53:59
Give us a lift to the center!00:54:01
- Stop, patsak.
- What?00:54:05
Don't come closer.00:54:08
- What do you want?
- Take us to the center.00:54:11
Three chatls.00:54:14
No money.
But we'll work for it.00:54:17
What can you do?00:54:20
- Me? I can do anything.
- Exactly?00:54:23
Vladimir Nikolayevich is
a builder, a foreman.00:54:27
We'll build you a house!00:54:30
And what can you do?00:54:32
Me?00:54:34
He can play the violin!00:54:38
Play.00:54:41
- Play.
- I can't play.00:54:45
Bye, patsaks.00:54:47
Wait, Miss, I can play!00:54:51
Play.00:54:53
Here?00:54:55
Over there!00:55:18
Wait, I'll put on the sound.00:55:25
Play.00:55:31
And sing.00:55:37
Just a minute!00:55:40
How does it go...00:55:42
Mama, mama, what am I to do?00:55:47
Super!00:55:49
- What?
- I say, super.00:55:52
People like it.00:55:54
- What?
- People like it.00:56:14
No.00:56:17
- Let me play the drums.
- Like what?00:56:22
Foreman.00:56:24
We don't need the violinist.00:56:29
He may come handy.
Give us some water to drink.00:56:33
I said, after the performance.00:56:36
We could have just taken it.00:56:42
By force.
Then you would've begged for it.00:56:46
If you touch me, an etsilopp will
fly in and pull your legs out.00:56:48
- I fuck your etsilopp.
- Cool it, violinist.00:56:52
Don't irritate the lady.00:56:55
Foreman.00:57:17
I got you, got you.00:57:20
Got you.00:57:21
Look, do you know someone
with a gravitsappa and a pepelats?00:57:26
Why?00:57:27
He could lay us on Earth. We'd give
a crate of ketse to you and to him.00:57:34
I know you don't believe words.
What am I thinking now?00:57:41
That your wife calls all the morgues.00:57:44
No, what am I thinking right this moment?00:57:48
- That you'll give.
- So it's true.00:57:53
What idiot on Plyuk would think
the truth?00:57:57
It's absurd.00:58:00
Yes, because you
say what you don't think00:58:03
and think what you don't think,00:58:06
that's why you sit in cages,00:58:08
and that's why all this
wretched cataclysm00:58:11
that I'm observing here,
and Vladimir Nikolayevich, too.00:58:16
You were told that patsaks should
perform in a cage, so it must be a cage.00:58:19
Why showing off?00:58:21
It's all right, dear,
we can sing just next to it.00:58:24
Get in. He's nabbed us.
He's trankluating.00:58:27
We're not beasts.00:58:29
What?!00:58:32
- Yes, you will get in!
- Let go! Let go!00:58:38
Ku!00:58:39
Koo!00:58:43
Get in, or he'll melt us!00:58:46
All right, let's come in, violinist,
as long as they're begging.00:58:51
Get in.00:58:58
One... two... three.00:59:02
Dance!00:59:04
Dance.00:59:05
Find yourself another pop group, jerk!00:59:10
What?!00:59:23
I'll be right back.00:59:28
We have to split. Boys, give a push
to the cart, there's a rise here.00:59:33
That we're always ready to do.00:59:43
Step on it.00:59:44
Bye.00:59:46
Vermin.01:00:07
I'm going to tell everybody01:00:10
to what state that clown, Pezhe,
has reduced the planet!01:00:17
Patsaks are bossing chatlians around!01:00:25
Ku!01:00:30
What?01:00:32
- Everything's in there?
- She stole the perfume.01:00:36
A woman.01:00:43
Let me.01:00:47
- You got lead in there or what?
- Let me carry it, Uncle Vova.01:01:27
I don't even know which way
to look. Where's Earth?01:01:50
Galina Borisovna, as patsaks,
comrade Mashkov and I01:01:54
could get two chatls for
a performance, that's the maximum.01:01:58
Water, luts and fines to etsilopps, -
that made up at least a chatl a day.01:02:03
And the gravitsappa costs a half ketse,
which amounts to 2,200 chatls.01:02:08
We divide it by 365, subtract Saturdays
and Sundays, and we get 6.01:02:13
So I just couldn't come back
any sooner than in 6 years.01:02:17
That's all very well, Gedevan
Alexandrovich, but it's just words.01:02:21
Where's the proof
that you came from outer space,01:02:25
and notjust sold the violin,
as Professor Rogozin claims,01:02:27
and operated all that time
at a disco in Gagry?01:02:32
Here's the mineral.01:02:36
Here's the chatl.01:02:39
Here's the tsak.01:02:40
As for pebbles and sand, I enclosed
them with my explanatory note01:02:44
and handed to Raya in the dean's office,
for her to send it to UNESCO.01:02:48
- Where?
- To UNESCO.01:02:53
You're a grownup man,
Gedevan Alexandrovich.01:02:56
You finished one semester
and then disappeared for years.01:03:00
Now you show up with a rock,01:03:04
with a fragment
of the Caucasian ceramics01:03:08
and a fishing bell.01:03:10
And you're claiming that...01:03:12
Besides,
if you can play music,01:03:17
why didn't you take part
in our amateur talent shows?01:03:21
Excuse me, violinist,
but this is an elementary koo!01:03:26
End of Part One01:03:31
Part Two01:03:35
Short
Chatlian-Patsak Dictionary01:03:42
KETSE - a match
TSAK - a bell for the nose01:03:50
ETSIKH - a bin for prisoners01:03:55
ETSILOPP -
a representative of the authorities01:04:00
PEPELATS -
a spaceship01:04:06
GRAVITSAPPA -
a detail of the pepelats engine01:04:12
KU -
an obscenity accepted by society01:04:17
KOO - all other words01:07:05
- Hi!
- Hello.01:07:08
Long time no see.01:07:10
Bye.01:07:12
Hey, wait a second.01:07:15
I have a suggestion.01:07:18
What?01:07:23
What are we thinking about you?
Come on.01:07:27
Penetrate our brains.01:07:32
Why are you badgering us?
What do you want?01:07:35
- Have you no shame?
- And what about you?01:07:38
We're just poor, wretched,
hungry artistes.01:07:42
Have we done you any wrong?
Why are you pursuing us?01:07:48
Give me your contraption.01:07:53
Tune it up.01:08:00
Good. Come on.01:08:09
One, two, three.01:08:12
Mama, mama, what am I to do?01:08:17
Koo!01:08:19
Mama, mama, how am I to live?01:08:30
I have no warm coat,01:08:36
I have no warm underwear.01:08:52
Shut up. You have no ear.01:08:55
Mama, mama, what am I to do?01:08:59
Koo!01:09:01
Mama, mama, how am I to Iive?01:09:22
Uncle Vova, do it again.01:09:25
- They like it.
- They dig it.01:09:28
One, two!01:09:30
An etsilopp!01:09:34
Koo! Koo!01:09:55
Artistes, where's our pigsty?01:09:58
- The pepelats?
- Yes.01:10:00
Over there.01:10:02
- We're out of luts.
- Because of you, bastard.01:10:06
Violinist, what are you doing?
Hoodlum!01:10:09
- Leave me alone.
- My dear.01:10:14
This is the last breath.
A grave.01:10:18
Cemetery.01:10:24
Checkmate.01:10:27
- And you said you had high rating.
- He's a braggart.01:10:30
You win at the expense of my brains.01:10:33
If you had brains,01:10:35
you'd be at the International Institute
now, instead of bullshitting us here.01:10:37
Let's play again. You stake the violin,
the case and the tooth stick.01:10:42
And this.01:10:44
All right?01:10:46
All right. And you - the contraption,
the visator and Mr. Uef's lifeblood.01:10:53
- It's possible.
- Come on.01:11:00
Uncle Vova.01:11:04
You should fix the tsappa.01:11:06
- Here, do it yourself!
- I can't, I'm a chatlian.01:11:10
Get out of here!01:11:12
When it comes to giving advice, they
are all chatlians, but when it's work...01:11:16
- Kindermate.
- Unfair play.01:11:19
You deliberately thought out
my moves badly.01:11:22
You should play with your own brains.01:11:23
How can he play with his brains if he's
seeing those dolls for the first time?01:11:26
None of my business.
Give me my win.01:11:29
No way.01:11:31
Uef, have you ever seen
such a little patsak01:11:35
being so mercenary a ku?01:11:37
Never. I said we didn't need
the violinist. Here's the result.01:11:41
Hey, boss!01:11:49
And you said, the tsappa.01:11:58
Does no one sing in cages
on your planet?01:12:03
Mister Bi, on Earth
only beasts are put in cages.01:12:08
The beasts, are they chatlians?01:12:11
I don't know.
But it looks like it.01:12:15
So the nightingale is a patsak?01:12:18
Why patsak?01:12:20
You said yourself
that he sings without a cage.01:12:23
So he's a patsak.01:12:25
You see?!01:12:27
You got as flagrant a racism
as it is here, on Plyuk.01:12:31
Only power was seized not by
chatlians, but by patsaks,01:12:35
such as you
and your friend, the nightingale.01:13:20
Let me do it.01:14:00
Here, four gulps.01:14:03
Water for the kid.01:14:06
You owe us 6,042 matchboxes.
Violinist, write it down.01:14:13
I have already.01:14:27
Want it?01:14:31
No.01:14:34
It's free.01:14:49
What are you doing?
What about me? What about me?01:14:52
What about me? What about me?01:14:57
I'm giving 10 more matchboxes.
Have some water.01:15:09
Kin-dza-dza!01:15:24
- A motorboat!
- It's not a motorboat.01:15:27
It's a luts station.01:15:29
- Let's fill up.
- No!01:15:31
It's automatic,
but the next one has a woman.01:15:34
We'll perform, she'll give us a discount.01:15:38
Stop loafing, Uncle Vova.01:15:40
Come on, dear, let's fly.01:15:46
If there had been a sea here,
why are there no shells?01:15:50
Do you still
have seas on Earth?01:15:53
We have seas, and we have rivers.01:15:56
And we have decent people too,
Mister Uef.01:16:00
Savages! I feel like crying.01:16:04
Mama, mama, what am I to do?01:16:11
Mama, mama, how am I to live?01:16:16
I have no warm coat,01:16:24
I have no warm underwear.01:16:28
Koo!01:16:30
Too bad my bosses can't see me now.
They would've given me a raise.01:16:35
Quiet, Uncle Vova.
She's looking at us.01:16:48
Koo?01:16:56
Koo?01:17:01
Koo!01:17:03
They took the woman out
and put a machine in.01:17:09
Take as much as we can afford.
We'll fly a part of the way at least.01:17:16
The luts is not sold by parts.01:17:19
The luts costs 10 chatls a charge.01:17:22
And we got only 7.01:17:23
Koo?01:17:36
How far is it to the center from here?01:17:39
160 kilometers.01:17:42
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls.01:17:46
In his right galosh.01:17:55
Hey, chatlian!01:17:57
What?01:18:00
Come on, take your right felt boot off.01:18:02
Why?01:18:05
Come on, koo, koo.01:18:17
Ku!01:18:25
Koo?01:18:27
Ku, you pest!01:18:36
Sit down!01:18:38
Why?
They're not etsilopps.01:18:41
It's Pezhe with his patsak.01:18:43
You don't sit down -
you get an etsikh with nails for life.01:18:48
And who is he?01:18:59
There, did you see it?01:19:02
It's holography, my dear!01:19:04
The violin!01:19:09
Cool it! Freeze! Quiet!01:19:19
And you said koo.01:19:37
It's not a dirigible, blockhead.01:19:39
It's the last breath of Mr. Pezhe.01:19:43
Bullshit.01:19:45
One man couldn't breathe out so much
air before his death. It's absurd.01:19:50
Don't you fear the wrath of heavens?!
Pezhe is alive, and I'm happy.01:19:54
And I'm even happier.01:19:57
Koo.01:20:03
Koo.01:20:35
This way.01:20:37
Come on, get in.01:20:40
- Plastic?
- No.01:20:42
Don't they have a decent
entrance to this supermarket?01:20:45
You have to pay chatls
for a decent entrance, my dear.01:20:48
Koo.01:21:03
Koo!01:21:15
Koo.01:21:54
- Let's go.
- Get away!01:22:29
Ku.01:22:34
Violinist, patsaks ride in there.01:22:37
- Koo.
- Koo.01:22:56
What are they doing?01:22:58
It's Mr. Pezhe's fourth pump.01:23:01
I love Pezhe so much!01:23:04
And I koo him even more!01:23:14
Koo!01:23:16
Koo!01:23:28
Here they make water out of luts.01:23:34
Koo!01:23:35
Koo!01:24:01
- What are they yelling?
- They're selling.01:24:06
- What are they selling?
- Everything.01:24:09
Let's take a gravitsappa.01:24:12
Gravitsappas are in another section.01:24:15
First we must know the tentura of
Earth.01:24:23
Yellow pants, two koos.01:24:26
Koo, koo.01:24:28
Koo! Koo!01:24:53
Think the orbit's diameter
of your planet.01:25:00
I don't remember.
You think, violinist.01:25:02
No, we don't need the violinist.
You think.01:25:05
All right.01:25:10
Think the specific gravity
of your planet's core.01:25:14
The specific gravity?
No, I don't remember.01:25:17
All right, I see.01:25:20
Think the names of the planets
you know in your galaxy.01:25:26
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus.01:25:29
There was the crystal of introduction!
Where's the crystal of introduction?01:25:33
Violinist, put it back!01:25:35
I thought it was nothing.01:25:38
Just a piece of glass.01:25:42
You damn fool.01:25:45
Enough of gritting
your brains, you dolt.01:25:50
There's your planet, 013 in the tentura,
to the left of Big Bear.01:25:56
If you want to talk, pay another chatl.01:25:59
- Pardon?
- Think your phone number, koo.01:26:04
And say about matches into it.01:26:08
Koo.01:26:18
Hello?
Hello? Hello?01:26:22
Talk into here.01:26:24
Hello?01:26:26
Hello? Who is it?01:26:30
Hello?01:26:32
Talk. The time's ticking.01:26:33
Hello?01:26:35
Lyusia, can you hear me? It's me!01:26:38
Vova, where are you?!01:26:41
I'm here.01:26:43
How are you? How is Kirill?01:26:46
Where are you, Vova?01:26:48
I'm here, it's some place.
I'll explain to you later.01:26:52
How's mother feeling?
Did you visit her?01:26:56
I did.
But where are you?01:27:01
Listen, you patsak girl.
Stop this bullshit.01:27:04
Go and buy 2 crates of ketse,
or we'll find him another...01:27:08
Go away!01:27:09
Lyusia! Lyusia!01:27:14
Lyusia, my dear!01:27:17
Lyusia...01:27:19
Lyusia, take the phone, call Manokhin01:27:22
and tell him that the keys from
the bathroom equipment are in my wagon,01:27:28
on the floor under the locker.01:27:30
- Did you understand everything?
- Yes, I understood everything.01:27:36
Connect me, please, to
Batumi, 3-47-57.01:27:40
tell them to get Alik.01:27:42
No.
Lay off, you thief.01:27:56
Koo.01:28:03
Koo.01:28:12
Something wrong?01:28:17
Nothing wrong.
Only Earth is far away.01:28:21
We have to warm up
for 7 minutes instead of 5.01:28:24
So let's go and prepare
the tsappa for the gravitsappa.01:28:28
Astronauts,
which one is the tsappa?01:28:32
The rusty nut over there, my dear.01:28:36
You got everything rusty here.01:28:39
That one is the rustiest.01:28:48
Are you absolute nuts?!01:28:50
Oh-oh-oh, oh boy, Lyusia and
Manokhin shifted in space.01:28:55
What do you know!01:29:05
Uncle Vova!01:29:08
The match is in the cap!01:29:11
It's strange. Why did they fly?01:29:13
They got the match to buy a gravitsappa,
and they know Earth's tentura.01:29:20
Comrade etsilopp!01:29:23
Comrade etsilopp!01:29:25
They've stolen our things!
Catch them!01:29:31
Koo!01:29:34
Catch them!01:29:36
40 chatls.01:29:38
No chatls. Our guide got everything.
And the violin is not theirs!01:29:42
They didn't koo'd before the video
Pezhe.01:29:46
Why are you staring?
Why are you staring?01:29:48
I'll report to your bosses that
you knew and took no action.01:29:52
They'll tranklucate you to hell!01:29:56
I did take action,
I pressed the kappa right away.01:30:00
The violinist is my witness.01:30:02
To all posts! Bring the pigsty
with wheels here. Koo.01:30:10
There's nothing in there.01:30:12
Open it.01:30:14
Show him.01:30:29
It's vinegar.01:30:31
None of your business.01:30:45
I'll tranklucate the patsak,01:30:47
the chatlian will get an etsikh
with nails for life.01:30:57
Brothers, brothers, my dear patsaks,01:31:01
tell the truth, how I did sit-downs,01:31:05
how this chatlian
pressed the kappa.01:31:09
Shut up.01:31:11
Uncle Vova!01:31:12
- Parasite!
- Shut up yourself!01:31:14
Vova, my friend!01:31:17
Gedevan Alexandrovich, genatsvale!
Tell that it was him.01:31:21
- No!
- He didn't sit down.01:31:23
- I'll give you the pepelats.
- Uncle Vova, the pepelats is mine!01:31:28
Cool it, cool it.01:31:32
Just a second.01:31:35
No one cursed anyone.
Everybody did sit-downs like monkeys.01:31:40
I made a mistake.01:31:43
And it was me who brought the ketse.01:31:48
What ketse?01:31:50
The match you took
out of the cap.01:31:53
There was no match, no match.01:31:56
Uncle Vova, what are you saying,
my dear?01:31:58
Sorry, I forgot.01:32:00
There was no match.01:32:02
No match.01:32:06
Both get an etsikh without nails
for life, until they pay up.01:32:10
The pay-up is 500 chatls,
250 apiece.01:32:15
Thank you!01:32:17
Patsak, glue up the violin
and sing songs, violinist!01:32:21
Guys, it was a joke about the match,
we just wanted to please you!01:32:31
On the river, on the river,
On a steep river bank01:32:37
Koo Marusya with white...01:32:48
Hello, Earthman!01:32:50
I'm sure one day you'll fly
to this planet, too.01:32:57
Greetings to you
from Vladimir Nikolayevich Mashkov,01:33:01
a builder from Moscow,01:33:02
and Gedevan Aleksidze from Batumi,01:33:06
the first men to set their feet on those
lousy sands at the backyard of Universe.01:33:11
Brother patsak, throw in more of your
ruberoid, you got only water there.01:33:16
Tell him to give me something else.01:33:29
Who knows, maybe at that time01:33:32
somebody who knew me
would be still alive.01:33:36
Tell them that I didn't steal
the violin.01:33:39
Look, it's as good as new.01:33:47
There's one more piece.01:33:51
It happens.
Sometimes.01:34:07
Lots of calories?01:34:08
Earthmen,
who presses like that?01:34:12
I had a hard time finding you.
Good thing there's memory.01:34:17
Here's your sock. Thanks.01:34:19
If you want, I can
move you over to Earth.01:34:22
I now know your number in the tentura.01:34:25
But hurry up, because one second
here equals a half-year there.01:34:29
All right, we press it to Earth now,01:34:32
get the matches, come back
and trade them for our guys.01:34:37
- We go to Moscow, you go home.
- I can't. There're only 3 charges.01:34:40
That's great.01:34:42
Just enough for going
there, here and back.01:34:45
And what about me?01:34:48
- Listen, friend...
- Koo.01:34:51
- Koo!
- Koo!01:34:54
Koo.01:35:00
Make your mind, yes or no?
To the count of 3. One.01:35:03
- Wait.
- Two.01:35:05
Put yourself in my place.
They're sitting there because of me.01:35:08
And my little son
has got that big a beard now.01:35:11
Two and a half.
Two and a half!01:35:15
No, I can't do it this way.01:35:18
Three.01:35:37
Who needs all that?!
Tsaks, tsaraks - it's all garbage!01:35:55
Where did you get this?01:35:59
It lay idle on a shelf
at the planetarium.01:36:02
Violinist, my dear kleptomaniac,
you filched a gravitsappa.01:36:57
Patsaks. Patsaks!01:37:00
Why are you performing here standing?
You can do it standing only over there.01:37:05
The etsilopp didn't let us there.01:37:08
Here you may do it only on your knees.01:37:11
Never mind, we're fine like this...
Pay up.01:37:17
All right.01:37:23
Come on, behave yourself.01:37:40
Koo.01:38:02
Uncle Vova.01:38:04
Your coat matches my hat.01:38:08
Hi!01:38:11
How you doing?01:38:16
What's new on Plyuk?01:38:23
Sing.01:38:30
I'm not in good voice today.01:38:33
Sing.01:39:28
Koo! Koo!01:39:42
Vladimir Nikolayevich,
I can't go on anymore.01:39:47
Stay cool, violinist.01:39:51
- How much is this?
- One hundred.01:39:55
We seem to have sung right.01:39:59
- And this?
- 50.01:40:02
All right...01:40:06
An etsilopp.01:40:10
Koo.01:40:17
Patsaks, why aren't you with muzzles?01:40:22
Turn around.01:40:24
Mister Pezhe has ordered
all patsaks to wear muzzles.01:40:30
And rejoice.01:40:32
All right, this is for me.
And this is for you.01:40:38
And this is for you.01:40:40
Why aren't you rejoicing?
I'm talking to you!01:40:46
Come on, raise your
tranklucator, chatlian.01:40:54
- Put it on.
- Yes, sir.01:40:56
And rejoice.01:40:59
I'm rejoicing!
Oh, look, Pezhe is here!01:41:04
Where?01:41:11
Get up!01:41:15
Get up!01:41:18
Open your mouth. Wider.01:41:22
Violinist, the gag.01:41:27
Hurry!01:41:33
Turn around!01:41:37
Your nose!01:41:40
Give us the money.01:41:44
Here, hold it like this.01:41:50
Take it off, too.01:41:54
If you just think that
this junk is not a tranklucator,01:41:57
it's going to be the last thought
in your chatlian head.01:42:01
Take the shortest route to the etsikh
now!01:42:05
All lie down for half an hour!01:42:13
- Straight ahead!
- Straight ahead!01:42:16
Move it!01:42:27
- Koo!
- Excuse me, granny.01:42:34
She's Pezhe's mother.01:42:37
Pezhe's mother!01:42:39
Pezhe's mother.01:43:00
Koo.01:43:06
Koo.01:43:08
A video?01:43:11
Himself.01:43:14
Everybody into the trough! Move it!01:43:29
Open the door.01:43:34
And stay there for 24 hours!01:43:36
Do you koo or not koo?01:43:37
Koo.01:44:04
Here. Koo!01:44:09
- Koo.
- Koo!01:44:12
- Which number?
- The last one.01:44:23
Koo!01:44:41
Hello.01:44:46
Hey, chatlian, sing!01:44:49
Cut it out, violinist.01:44:54
Roll out the last but one.01:45:07
- Ku!
- Vanish!01:45:25
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.01:45:28
Gomardzhoba.01:45:32
Get out.01:45:36
- We can't.
- They'll catch us.01:45:44
Wait.01:45:49
We got a gravitsappa.01:46:05
Koo, Uncle Vova!01:46:06
Koo, koo.01:46:08
Cut it.01:46:12
Here.01:46:19
Koo!01:46:21
Push it!01:46:32
Uncle Vova, help me to roll
the etsikh out!01:46:37
Forget it!01:46:39
Vladimir Nikolayevich!01:46:41
Mankind's worked for thousands of years
for the sake of a pebble from the Moon,01:46:45
and here we have a live ET and
an etsikh made of unknown metal!01:46:51
Forget it, I said!01:46:56
Koo.01:47:02
Koo.01:47:06
Koo.01:47:09
Koo.01:47:11
Koo.01:47:13
- The tsappa.
- Yes, the tsappa.01:47:18
The tsappa!01:47:19
- Press the tsappa!
- I did!01:47:23
Koo!01:47:25
- Are we flying?
- We're starting it up.01:47:28
Hurry up,
they may come to any minute!01:47:32
Don't be in the way.01:47:55
We've landed.01:47:57
Landed where?01:48:01
Khanud!01:48:04
What Khanud?01:48:07
- The planet I was born on.
- Me too.01:48:13
- It's nighttime.
- It's always nighttime here now.01:48:16
- Put this on.
- What for?01:48:19
There's no bloody air here.01:48:21
How can you live here?01:48:23
No one lives here anymore.01:48:27
The Plyukans tranklucated us
while we were on tour.01:48:32
- For what?
- For not tranklucating them sooner.01:48:35
And them, what for?01:48:37
For looming overhead.01:48:40
- So everyone had died?
- Sure.01:48:44
Vova, I have a suggestion.01:48:47
The planet Khanud costs just kopecks
now.01:48:49
63 chatls.01:48:51
A month of singing ''mama'' around the
galaxy, and the planet's in our pocket.01:48:55
Another month, and we can buy the air.01:48:58
93 chatls.01:48:59
Everybody with no air will pour
down here. The air is ours!01:49:04
They'll be crawling on all fours
and we'll just spit on them.01:49:08
- What for?
- Just to enjoy it.01:49:11
Is it something to enjoy?01:49:14
You're too young yet.01:49:16
Half the planet is yours,
the other half is ours, all right?01:49:21
It's tempting, of course.01:49:25
But we need to go to Earth.01:49:28
Let's hurry, in half an hour
our supermarket will close.01:49:35
Don't be so jumpy, Vova.01:49:40
Look here.01:49:45
We're here.01:49:48
Earth is here.01:49:49
And this is Alpha.01:49:51
On Alpha they make cactuses out of us.01:49:55
Earth is in the anti-tentura, my dear.01:49:58
And we have no way of
reaching it, understand?01:50:02
- How come?
- That's so.01:50:04
I've been unlucky all my life.01:50:07
The pepelats just can't get to Earth.01:50:11
So enough of blathering, all right?01:50:14
Let's go and divide the planet.01:50:27
Did you learn about it
at the planetarium?01:50:30
Yes, my dear.01:50:32
And that's why you stole the match?01:50:36
- Sure.
- They're lying, Uncle Vova!01:50:41
Don't believe them.01:50:44
Come on, take us to Earth. That's it!01:50:49
No, Gedevan, they're not lying.01:50:52
For those matches they'd crawl on
all fours over the entire universe.01:51:15
Don't you joke with that, Vova.01:51:18
There is only 2% oxygen norm here.01:52:24
Gedevan...01:52:27
Don't do it.
You're young, you must live.01:52:31
Something might change yet.01:52:34
No one needs the violinist,
Uncle Vova.01:52:54
Hey, patsak!01:53:02
You're going to kick the bucket anyway.01:53:06
Tell the truth just once in your life.01:53:09
Why didn't you shift in space with
that goat while you could?01:53:14
What did you want?01:53:17
Crimson pants?
Pezhe's pool?01:53:21
Tell me, what?01:53:30
Gedevaniko, sonny.01:53:34
You tell me.
You can tell me, I'm like you.01:53:38
My mother was Georgian.01:53:43
Sadauri.01:53:44
Akhauri.01:53:51
He says his mother
was a local Georgian.01:53:56
Uef!01:53:58
Do as you like,
but I'm going to koo them to Alpha.01:54:02
Ku!01:54:04
And you, stinking chatlian, put on
the tsak01:54:07
and sit down
when you're talking to a patsak!01:54:10
Khanud is a patsak planet, my dear.01:54:14
Koo.01:54:16
Repeat it again.01:54:18
You catapult us to Alpha,01:54:21
while you try to slow down
in its orbit.01:54:25
- The hell you can slow down there.
- Don't interrupt.01:54:30
Go on, my dear.01:54:32
On Alpha, when
they shift us to Earth,01:54:36
we are to press
the shifting machine with a finger,01:54:40
so that we keep it with us.01:54:42
On Earth we are to buy for you01:54:45
four crates of matches.01:54:49
Go on, my dear.01:54:51
For how long do we have
to sing the same song?01:54:54
Let's fly.01:54:56
Because of you I'll have
to sit in a pot forever!01:55:02
You, too, could
open your mouth for a change.01:55:09
Guys, my dear, wonderful guys,01:55:13
either we fly,
or at least close the door.01:55:16
I can't bear the sight of you anymore.01:55:19
I feel sick as it is.01:55:27
Bye, my dear.01:55:31
- Koo!
- Koo.01:55:33
- Koo?
- Koo!01:55:35
We're flying.01:55:37
Put on brakes!01:55:40
Put on brakes!01:55:42
Put on brakes!01:55:43
How can I put on brakes when you've
drunk all the brake fluid, you alkie!01:55:49
He'll get poisoned.01:55:51
- Turn off your horns.
- They don't turn off.01:55:54
- Then take them off.
- They're going to break.01:55:59
It looks like we've landed.
It felt the same last time.01:56:03
All right...01:56:05
Put on the gas mask.01:56:07
- And the tsak?
- They'll do without.01:56:15
The Earth!01:56:41
On the river, on the river,01:56:44
On the river ba...01:56:51
No.01:56:53
It's not the Earth.01:57:00
Hello.01:57:03
We're patsaks from the planet Earth.
And who are you?01:57:07
This is the planet Alpha.01:57:09
Give your coordinates to
Decont, she will shift you.01:57:15
Goodbye.01:57:18
Will you please
tell me the number of your planet?01:57:22
013 in the tentura.01:57:28
It's here, somewhere close.01:57:31
- Here.
- Left of Big Bear.01:57:34
We don't need that.
Please, hold each other's hands.01:57:38
Miss, where will those two go...01:57:41
To the little branch of the greenhouse.
Please, hold each other's hands.01:57:46
Do you really make cactuses
out of people?01:57:48
- Only out of Plyukans.
- Ours are Khanudans, not Plyukans.01:57:51
Makes no difference.01:57:53
Please,
put on respirators.01:57:57
- Why? You got good air.
- That's why.01:58:01
- Just look at her!
- Put it on, Gedevan.01:58:08
I'm asking you on behalf of my planet.01:58:12
Please, let them go.01:58:19
Who has the authority to decide that?01:58:23
Abradoks, but...01:58:27
Then take us to him.01:58:28
Take us, or I'll take the gas mask off
and breathe out a lot of air here.01:58:36
You don't have to worry.01:58:38
Our greenhouses
have excellent conditions.01:58:41
Blossoming, microclimate, peace.01:58:45
One might only envy them.01:58:47
Then why, my dear,
do you run here in the grass01:58:50
and not sit in a pot there?01:58:52
Please, look under your feet,
you've already trampled three shoots.01:58:56
Friend.01:58:59
We're asking for a favor.01:59:01
You may as well not continue. No.01:59:05
Our proximity to the Kin-dza-dza
galaxy is our misfortune.01:59:10
They're consumed with passions.01:59:13
Corrupt passions.01:59:15
To continue living
as a vegetable is good for them.01:59:21
As for everybody else.01:59:24
Why not ask them? They know better
what's good for them and what's not.01:59:30
If we gave them the right
to decide anything...01:59:36
Are you the smartest ones here, girl?01:59:41
Did someone tell you that,
or you decided so on your own?01:59:44
Let's not waste time.01:59:47
You're creatures from the antitentura.01:59:50
Therefore, I have to shift you01:59:53
to the point of your departure01:59:57
or send you back in time01:59:59
to the moment when you
yourselves can decide your destiny.02:00:03
Make your choice.02:00:05
I beg your pardon, to what time?02:00:08
To your past on Plyuk.02:00:24
Let's do it like this: one goes
to Earth, the other to the past.02:00:30
Vladimir Nikolayevich.02:00:32
I'm not letting you go alone to Plyuk.02:00:40
Look, man, press the time.02:00:55
Was I gluing the violin for about
50 minutes?02:00:58
Right, 50.02:01:05
Listen, brother, the patsak with
a sock is going to come now.02:01:08
Tell him to follow us to
the etsikh.02:01:10
- You know where the etsikh is?
- Sure thing!02:01:12
- Show him the way.
- He must give me something else.02:01:16
Everybody rest for half an hour!02:01:21
Thanks, dears.02:01:37
Koo.02:01:39
Play your games, men.02:01:46
Koo!02:01:52
- Koo!
- Koo.02:01:54
Violinist, time!02:01:58
You haven't shifted back again, you
pests.02:02:00
- Yeah, not again. Get out.
- Like hell we will!02:02:04
We're better off here than on Alpha.02:02:06
Pull them out.02:02:15
The shifting machine
will be here soon.02:02:18
You owe us 11,000 matchboxes,
the violinist has it all written down.02:02:24
11,020.02:02:26
I have a suggestion, Vova.
You and I shift to the supermarket.02:02:31
Then, after we buy everything...02:02:33
There'll be no then.
We fly only as far as Earth.02:02:39
For good?02:02:41
For good.02:02:44
Me going to the planet where they don't
know who should sit down before whom?02:02:49
Give me the gravitsappa
and you may do as you like.02:02:51
Uncle Uef, Uncle Bi,
they'll give you such a welcome!02:02:54
No, genatsvale, the society that has
no color differentiation of pants,02:02:59
has no goal, and if there's no goal...02:03:02
Enough philosophizing,
he may appear any minute.02:03:06
Let's make a decision.02:03:08
You go with us or what?02:03:10
Give me the gravitsappa!02:03:15
Give it to him.02:03:19
We shouldn't have.02:03:30
Well?02:03:32
Let's say goodbyes.02:03:39
I sort of got used to you.02:03:43
Me too.02:04:03
Well, take care.02:04:06
Friends!02:04:09
Patsaks.02:04:11
Here's your sock, thanks.02:04:15
- If you want...
- Friend, what kind of system you got?02:04:20
May I take a look?02:04:24
It's a regular system. You press
the button and you're home.02:04:29
Koo!02:04:44
Hi.02:04:45
Hi.
What's new?02:04:48
Manokhin got pipes burst
on his site.02:05:00
That's what she's like, an Odessa girl,
A delicate, lively Odessa girl.02:05:04
She dances and sings,02:05:06
The kisses she brings
To those who with merriment rings!02:05:08
Daddy, daddy, what are we to do
When the freezing cold comes?02:05:13
Yes, yes, you have no warm kerchief,
You have no winter coat!02:05:27
- How's our exemplary student?
- Our exemplary student went for a walk.02:05:31
Vova, go buy bread. I forgot to.02:05:35
Yes, and buy some macaroni, too.02:05:56
Comrade,
which way is Old Arbat?02:05:59
- Over there, to the right.
- Thank you.02:06:15
- Koo!
- Koo!02:06:24
Violinist?02:06:30
Uncle Vova!02:06:38
Violinist...02:06:43
Uncle Vova...02:07:05
Mama, mama, what am I to do...02:07:18
The EndDescription:
Our other films are on the site http://cinema.mosfilm.ru/ The restoration of the film was made by a team of Mosfilm computer graphics professionals. Learn more: https://cg.mosfilm.ru Subscribe to our pages on social networks! Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MosfilmOfficial VKontakte: https://vk.com/club20286388 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mosfilm_official/ A brilliant satire that miraculously passed through all censors. Two earthlings found themselves on the planet Plyuk - and this is not at all “ku”, as there is nothing but sand all around, and the Plyukians live underground in bleak post-apocalyptic dwellings.
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